Project Icarus

You are my Ebon Angel taking flight, discovering the wonders in the sky.

I laid in the tall grass, hiding in plane sight.

You wrestled with the torrents and put up a great fight. giving up? you’d rather die.

I learned how to eb(and) flow even though my movements were a lil crass, at the end of every strike I discovered how there could be light.

Your actions were Just and meant for what was right, as you saw me you whispered my…

love is what we had and it was a venerable mass, It vibrated with ability and showed great might.

I don’t doubt who we are. I Icarus the winged fool with a sly smile, and you Calliope my Ebon Angel with firm lips and a golden heart.

Take flight Calliope and my arrows shall strike down all harm that follows.

-Icarus

Today was my second visit to the therapist’s office(psychologist).  Aside from spilling out my neurosis and some insecure ramblings she ended up pin pointing something that has been holding me back.  It was like a game of “where’s waldo” and not knowing what Waldo looked like.  Long story short, it got to the point of my standards for other people and the standards for myself.  I was explaining how I’ve become much more positive and supportive towards other people(still needs a lot of work).  And, yet I struggle to be positive towards myself.

She ended up calling me (in the most polite way) an arrogant dickwad(I added that last word).  I’ve recently come to the conclusion, that being supportive, making mistakes, facing your fears, and progressing is very important for happiness.  In fact it is my counterpoint against perfectionism, negativity, and fears of failure.  However, in the middle of all this, and being more positive towards other people. She pointed out how arrogant it is of me to have higher standards for myself compared to everyone else.

It was kinda like the moment when the eye doctor says “1 or 2”. All, I saw was how much clearer number 2 was.  I finally saw, no matter how far I had progressed, I was still being an arrogant asshole.  Now, don’t get me wrong, it was a neatly trimmed asshole, but an asshole nonetheless. As much as I felt I had become better, I failed to acknowledge, that I am just like everyone else around me.  Some human being that can be a failure, afraid, negative , successful, brave, positive, and loving person. 

Even with all of this, I thought so highly of myself that I forgot to acknowledge i’m going through this like everyone else and that it should be the same for me as them. As a Saul Williams quote goes “Self is illusion”(I hope i’m not taking that out of context).  In fact I recently told one of my brothers he was arrogant with the way he had dealt with some people in his life, and even in that moment, I couldn’t even see how I do and did the same.  I tried to decide not to bother people by hiding certain parts of myself or things I felt they shouldn’t deal with.  And I never even gave them a choice in what they wanted to handle.  I was too busy being Atlas, for things people never even understood or were aware of.  I was so sure I could save people some time and burden, that I ended up manufacturing issues with which I need to burden only myself.  Half the time I had blown these things out of proportion, because I never allowed another voice into the matter.

I know I don’t need to tell people everything, and I know I don’t need to hide everything.  So I’ve decided to post this all here. It will link to Facebook and Twitter and those who follow the links are much more likely to be the people that care.  I’m not hiding these burdens or struggles i’m going through, at least i’m not trying to anymore.  I just kind of want to encourage the people that this resonates with, to be more open and honest about what they are going through.  You aren’t Atlas, not because you can’t be, but because you shouldn’t be.

-Icarus

Advice to Young Men from an Old Man

1. Don’t pick on the weak. It’s immoral. Don’t antagonize the strong without cause, its stupid.
2. Don’t hate women. It’s a waste of time
3. Invest in yourself. Material things come to those that have self actualized.
4. Get in a fistfight, even if you are going to lose.
5. As a former Marine, take it from me. Don’t join the military, unless you want to risk getting your balls blown off to secure other people’s economic or political interests.
6. If something has a direct benefit to an individual or a class of people, and a theoretical, abstract, or amorphous benefit to everybody else, realize that the proponent’s intentions are to benefit the former, not the latter, no matter what bullshit they try to feed you.
7. Don’t be a Republican. They are self-dealing crooks with no sense of honor or patriotism to their fellow citizens. If you must be a Republican, don’t be a conservative. They are whining, bitching, complaining, simple-minded self-righteous idiots who think they’re perpetual victims. Listen to talk radio for a while, you’ll see what I mean.
8. Don’t take proffered advice without a critical analysis. 90% of all advice is intended to benefit the proponent, not the recipient. Actually, the number is probably closer to 97%, but I don’t want to come off as cynical.
9. You’ll spend your entire life listening to people tell you how much you owe them. You don’t owe the vast majority of people shit.
10. Don’t undermine your fellow young men. Mentor the young men that come after you. Society recognizes that you have the potential to be the most power force in society. It scares them. Society does not find young men sympathetic. They are afraid of you, both individually and collectively. Law enforcement’s primary purpose is to suppress you.
11. As a young man, you’re on your own. Society divides and conquers. Unlike women who have advocates looking out for them (NOW, Women’s Study Departments, government, non-profit organizations, political advocacy groups) almost no one is looking out for you.
12. Young men provide the genius and muscle by which our society thrives. Look at the Silicone Valley. By in large, it was not old men or women that created the revolution we live. Realize that society steals your contributions, secures it with our intellectual property laws, and then takes credit and the rewards where none is due.
13. Know that few people have your best interests at heart. Your mother does. Your father probably does (if he stuck around). Your siblings are on your side. Everybody else worries about themselves.
14. Don’t be afraid to tell people to Fuck off when need be. It is an important skill to acquire. As they say, speak your piece, even if your voice shakes.
15. Acquire empathy, good interpersonal skills, and confidence. Learn to read body language and non-verbal communication. Don’t just concentrate on your vocational or technical skills, or you’ll find your wife fucking somebody else.
16. Keep fit.
17. Don’t speak ill of your wife/girlfriend. Back her up against the world, even if she’s wrong. She should know that you have her back. When she needs your help, give it. She should know that you’ll take her part.
18. Don’t cheat on your wife/girlfriend. If you must cheat, don’t humiliate her. Don’t risk having your transgressions come back to her or her friends. Don’t do it where you live. Don’t do it with people in your social circle. Don’t shit in your own back yard.
19. If your girlfriend doesn’t make you feel good about yourself and bring joy to your life, fire her. That’s what girlfriends are for.
20. Don’t bother with emotional affairs. They are just a vehicle for women to flirt and have someone make them feel good about themselves. That’s the part of a relationship they want. For you it is a lot of work and investment in time. If they are having an emotional affair with you, they’re probably fucking someone else.
21. Becoming a woman’s friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. If you haven’t gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won’t ever get her. She’ll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she’s having with someone else.
22. Have and nurture friendships with women.
23. Realize that love is a numbers game. Guys fall in love easily. You’re going to see some girl and feel like you’ll die if you don’t get her. If she rejects you, move on to the next one. It’s her loss.
24. Don’t be an internet troll. Got out and live life. There is not a cadre of beautiful women advertising on Craigslist to have NSA sex with you. Beautiful women don’t need to advertise. The websites that advertise with attractive women’s photos and claims of loneliness are baloney. All they want is your money and your personal information so that they can market to you. The posts on Craigslist by young women seeking NSA sex, and asking for a picture are just a bunch of gay troll pic collectors. This is especially true if the post uses common gay lexicon like hole as in fuck my hole or seeks masculine men, or uses the word cock (except in the context of Don’t send a cock shot.) There are women on Craigslist. They are easily recognizable by their 2-5 paragraph postings. Most are in their 30’s or older.
25. When you become a man in full, know that people will get in your way. People who are attracted to you will somehow manage to step in your path. Gay guys will give you the look. Old people will somehow stumble in front of you at the worst time. Don’t get frustrated. Just step aside and go about your business. Know that these are passive aggressive methods to get you to acknowledge their existence.
26. Don’t gay bash. Don’t mentally or physically abuse people because of who they are, or how they present themselves. It’s none of your business to try to intimidate people into conformity.
27. If you’re gay, admit it to yourself, your parents, your friends and society at large. Be prepared to get harassed. See rule 14. If someone threatens you or assaults you, call the cops. Have them arrested. You have no obligation to self sacrifice because of who you are. As a gay person, you’ll have more social freedom than straight men. Use it to protect yourself. Be prepared to get out of Dodge if your orientation makes your life unbearable. Move to San Francisco, New York, Atlanta, or New Orleans. You’ll find a welcoming community there.
28. Don’t be a poser. Avoid being one of those dudes who puts a surfboard on top of their car, but never surfs, or a dude with a powder coated fixed gear bike and a messenger bag, but was never a messenger. Live the life. Earn your bona fides.
29. Don’t believe the crap about the patriarchy. More women are accepted and attend college. More degrees are awarded to women than men. Women outlive men. More men commit suicide. Men are twice as likely to be victims of violence, including murder. If you consider sexual assaults in prisons, twice as many men are raped as women (society thinks prison rape is funny). The streets are littered with homeless men, sprinkled with a few homeless women. Statically, women are happier than men. The myth that girls are being cheated by are educational system is belied by the fact that schools are bastions of femininity, mostly run by and taught by women. Girls outperform boys in school. It is the boys in school getting fucked over, and prescribed ritalin for being boys. Real wages for men are falling, while real wages for women are rising. Just because someone says something enough times, doesn’t make it true. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
30. Remember, 97% of all advice is worthless. Take what you can use, and trash the rest.

vicioustwist san francisco 02-15-07

im part Chimp, but mostly Pansy, because i’m afraid to live life 

so i pretend to understand it.

i’m a self important slightly aware chimp poet, should any other challenge my existence

i’ll fling shit and show it, its flaws, because i’m afraid they’ll figure out i’m an upbeat phony.

i’m afraid my heart is an old factory, so i choose to replace it with magic mushrooms

and why you ask? well, because shrooms are able to gather sustenance from piles of shit.

and my olfactory sense barely allows me to sense bullshit from others and myself.

so im hoping magic mushrooms replace my archaic methodology, because i’m afraid im running on an old operating system.

the processor is there, i just dont have enough access to random memory.

i’m sad and i feel like john crier, because im afraid of attempting something i really love, but im so used to being the supporting role.

so i try to fill the hole with inane actions, preferring to stand in the background living vicariously through silverback madness.

i am that chimp…pansy

afraid, inane, poet, in-action

let us have self actualization.  said the foolish bastard.

i laugh in their faces, how could they ever pretend of golden pastures.

-Icarus

I believe pink floyd is the hallmark of the self-important, depressed, intellectual. Such beautiful and intelligent words, describing a struggle deep within, familiar to the introverts of this world. Although, it never goes too far, it takes you to the depths of your madness and yet there is always a silver lining. No matter the screams, howls of laughter, and the grunting of pigs. The fool faces towards the crowd.

Although, maybe I’m just projecting.

Fear is the bandit that enters your home in the dark of night.

His goal is to take anything and everything of value.

He is willing to steal your mind, heart, and soul.

His actions taint what you cherish

His actions make you fear what you love

And worst of all

His actions make you afraid in your own home.

My soul> my existence> my home.

It’s the thing that kept me safe ultimately, and it is not the bandits fault he broke in.

The bandit does not take what is so difficult to get to, but rather what is so easily targeted.

I can blame the bandit all I want, but ultimately I must still share blame.

I allowed fear to exist beyond reason, beyond ration.

I left the windows open in the dead of night, winds rattling, branches creaking, and a cowardly dreamer lied in a heavy slumber.

The dreamer forgot the rules, fear is not what dreams were made of, but rather faith and hope.

In my dreams I would fly if I believed, but if I feared I would quickly fall.

I do not grow angry at the bandit, my lesson is learned.

We forget that our anger and fear convolutes lessons and truth.

The bandit was my teacher, he was my lesson, he is who he is, and I must never forget it.

I am better, so long as action comes from the lesson.

-Icarus